Journey is change

France changed me.  Well, not really.  I feel like I'm changing - finally - and one of the factors was my recent trip to France.  Yes, I know I haven't written anything about that here yet, and I had told people that I would blog and share and I didn't and that was largely because the trip was contributing to so much change inside me that I couldn't even digest it all while it was happening, let alone write about it, and least of all share it.  It's starting to really sink in now, not just about the amount of change, but the kind of change. 

Someone at work asked how my vacation went, and when I told him that it was life-changing, he said "Wow.  I'd love to talk with you about that some time, about what that means to you".  And that's when it hit me that I really hadn't been able to absorb the magnitude of it all yet.  Now that I'm starting to figure that out, I want to write it down and hopefully say it so that in a few years, I'll remember it.  And the change (which I believe to be positive and beneficial) becomes more permanent.

So.  Went to France a couple of weeks ago.  It was something that kind of happened out of the blue, and when I first signed up, I didn't think I was ready for it yet.  It wasn't just a vacation, it was a Photography Retreat.  Since getting sort of serious about photography a couple of years ago, and going through various phases of seriousness, interwoven with bouts of pipe dream and laced with moments of you-must-be-crazy-you'll-never-make-this-happen, I realized that the path I was on was fun.  I loved it, and I wanted more.  I was making connections with really cool people, and discovering the creative side of me and realizing that other people kind of liked that side of me.  And that the path was a whole lot longer than I ever dreamed it would be, so I better get my ass in gear and start walking that path.

France.  Photography retreat.  Doesn't sound like it's going to be life-changing.  It wasn't just about the place - although if you ever do go there, and let it soak into your being, you'll discover that it can have that power.  It wasn't just about the photography, although my creative side was a big part of what changed.  Being influenced/guided/coached by the magical Karen Hutton?  In 5 days I learned more from just watching her and listening to her than I could have possibly imagined, and she gave so much more.  It wasn't just about the people that I met, amazing as they are, and as much fun as we had, and the way that we all wound up kind of taking care of each other.  Rowan/Robin, Lieke/Lola, Rozelle/Sophia, Tanya/Taylor, Jim/McGruff, Resi dear Resi, the amazing Karen, Brian (the invisible, the invincible)...all the most incredible souls. 

My life changed?  I changed?  More like, I accepted the invitation to change, to feel the change, to change more quickly, to start the process of change.  What changed?  I think first, my spirit.  I think my spirit finally started to calm down.  Resi, at one point during the week, said that she liked me because I am a "sturdy" person.  I'm pretty sure she meant that as a compliment, and it really kind of surprised me, because I don't think of myself that way at all.  But seeing the whirlwind that was her life made me feel like a rock set in concrete.  Karen gave me this phrase to start believing in:  "I am Unbound Creativity".  Wow.  Me?  I'm just discovering that I have any creativity at all!  And someone already sees that in me? 

I am changing.  I am finding courage in my creativity.  I am seeing myself differently.  I am worrying less about what others may think of me because it's a lot better than what I thought it was, and I am beginning to FEEL (and not just know in my head) that what others think is less important than how I think about myself.  I am more comfortable being the me that I am, and not spending so much time trying to be the me that I want to be for others.  Why did I have to get so old to figure all this out?  And it's still an ongoing process. 

France.  Ah France.  Ooh la la.  It's a part of me, and I need to try and catch the memories and write them down here so that I remember those parts better, while it's still kind of fresh.  Already I have lost so many of the details, and it has only been a couple of weeks.  But for now, I need to take one of the pieces out and care for it.  It's nice outside, a rarity for mid-October, and I want to take the camera for a walk.