Georgina GPS strikes again

Today was a good day.  For lots of reasons.  The first reason is that I finally got to meet someone that I had "met" online a while ago, someone that shares my passion for photography, understands the role the universe plays in each of our lives, and that is a beautiful "outside" soul.  We decided, after spending several hours together, that we are soul sisters, and I can't wait till we can get together again!

The second reason it was a good day is that I started accepting the loss of my friend, Simba.  He was my saviour for a few years, and a friend, and my feline soulmate.  But all good things must eventually come to an end, and today I was finally somewhat ok with that.  It was hard to say goodbye, but all endings are also beginnings, and sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go of something that is holding you back, just because it has been a source of comfort in the past.  Even if it later becomes a source of extreme stress.  The only sure thing in life is change.

Now, my life is less encumbered with responsibility than before, and at the same time less - or more accurately, differently - full.  I was able to stray and meander and not worry about time on my way home from meeting my friend.  Free to explore - as much as the waning daylight allowed.  And explore I did.  It was rush hour, so the last place I wanted to be was on a highway, and the weather, even though it's January, was holding up with no precipitation and above freezing temperatures.  So, why not?

This post is simply meant to track where I explored, so that I can go back to the same roads and see what it looks like in the daylight, and hopefully when the weather is either full of snow (instead of the mud and slush of today) or in the spring or summer.  It was an absolutely amazing drive, showcasing horse ranches, hills, winding roads, small historic towns, lovely vistas (I hope), beautiful estates, historic businesses....  and I simply can't wait till I can do the same drive again.  Here goes, best as I can remember, and with the help of my GPS, which tracks where I have driven - sometimes, and partially - for long drives.  Here goes.

From Jennifer's house, I found my way to Highway 9, heading west, and just to the west of Hwy 27 I headed south on Concession Rd. 10.  This is a gravel road, but worth every square inch of mud.  It leads to the small town of Lloydtown, which I simply have to visit again.  It appears to be a small community of really big homes, large lots, and beautiful tree-lined "streets".  Stunning. Georgina guided me to turn right on Rebellion Way, then right again on 19th Sideroad (the roads curve, probably due to the lay of the land).

From here, I turned left onto Halls Lake Side Rd., and left again to stay on that road past more huge beautiful homes on large properties overlooking high vistas.  Then left for a brief drive down Mt. Wolfe Rd., then right onto Old Church Rd.  I was supposed to stay on that road for several kilometers, but there was a detour - the road suddenly ended in a construction zone - and I had to turn left on Hwy 50, then right again on Castelderg Side Rd, then right again on Airport Rd.  When I hit a tiny community - ok it was really just an intersection with a couple of houses - just south and east of Caledon East, Georgina told me to turn left on Old Base Line Rd., a.k.a. Peel Road 12.  This is where it got pretty interesting.

Just past the Caledon Country Club, I started seeing all kinds of "no stopping" signs, not just every couple of kilometers, but every few meters.  I got the hint, you'd better not stop anywhere - but why?  And why were there tons of fences and gates and all kinds of things trying to keep people out, off to the left?  (South and east)  Between Chinguacousy Rd. and Creditview Rd. there were literally kilometers of "no stopping" signs, and the speed limit was 40-50 kph the whole way.  So slow down but don't stop.  WTH?  I needed to check this out when I got home.

It's the Cheltenham Badlands.  Who knew?  We have Badlands in Southern Ontario?  Really?  OK, this I absolutely must check out when the weather warms up and I have daylight!!!!  Not sure where to park, but hopefully those gates and fences will open up in the right season.  It's probably just dangerous this time of year. 

OK, from that point, the drive loses a bit of interest.  How can you beat Badlands that are hidden by darkness and mysterious roads that you can't stop on?  Google Satellite view is showing that there may be other hidden treasures in the area too, maybe famous people have secret hideaways lol!

Georgina tells me to turn right on Mississauga Rd., and that feels wrong, but she usually has a pretty good handle on things, so I follow along.  Good thing too, because a little ways up the road there is a beautiful old church on the left, fully lit up, and a sign announcing it as "Melville White Church".  Well, the "white church" I had figured out, but I'm going too fast to see what the whole sign said, other than that it was old.  Google says it was built in 1837 - which is pretty dang old for this part of the country.  I think I need to check this out in the daylight too!  And see if maybe there's a photo opp for a sunrise? 

Next up, the small historic town of Belfountain.  How do I not know about these beautiful little historic places?  There is so much work to be done to explore my own area of this amazing country before traveling overseas again.  And sharing the beauty of this area!  Yes, there is even a Belfountain Conservation area that is not far from another beautiful park nearby, Forks of the Credit, where one of my most popular photos was taken last summer.  I'm beginning to think this area might be worth an entire weekend come summer time.

In Belfountain, Georgina told me to turn left on Bush St. (RR 11), but next time I go up to that neck of the woods, I should check out the Google Satellite view and explore Forks of the Credit Rd., Dominion Rd., and Puckering Ln.  Possibly Escarpment Side Rd., and Caledon Magnetic Hill.  ????  Oh, wait, there's a Southridge Trail that looks interesting too!

Well, as it turns out Bush St. turns into Wellington Rd 52, which leads me out of the exploration zone and into the small town of Erin.  From here, there is little of interest - and not just because I have driven through here many a time. 

And so ends a lovely day, full of life and love and new places to explore further.  The future is bright!

What is this supposed to mean?

Some people strongly believe that "everything happens for a reason".  Well of course it does.  It's called cause and effect.  If you don't believe this, then you must believe in fairy tales, and magic, and complete randomness.  But even I must admit that there are times when that "reason" is somewhat mystifying.  And that coincidence can be a little nerve-rattling.

Take this morning for instance.  Ok, maybe I should step back a bit and admit that my life has been on slightly shaky ground for the past few weeks.  Things went a little crazy back in November when my employer announced that my services were no longer required.  Ya.  And that was ok, because I was ready to move on, but I hadn't found anything to move onto, yet, so it has been kind of mind-bending to suddenly be completely on my own, and not really even a direction set.  See, I've been thinking about what my next career move should be, and testing the waters, but hadn't really found what I was looking for.  So that was the first curve ball.

My gut reaction was to jump into my first passion, photography and becoming an artist, but that's never an instant income, and for most, it's not ever an income.  So I've had to face a bit of reality, and also needed to take a rest break (not a vacation, just catch up on some sleep and reset).  For a couple of weeks, I allowed myself to sleep a bit later, spend more time thinking about what should happen next, and all the while trying hard to trust my journey and accept things that came into my life as opportunities.  Signs.  Roadmaps.  Except that there weren't a lot that were showing up - other than photography signs, and that I put down to getting back what I was putting in.  I was working on images, sharing them, and then getting positive feedback.   A lot of it.  Still, I made excuses about why this wasn't going to work, and slowed down, and the emotions started creeping in.  Feelings of inadequacy, rejection, self-pity, guilt for not doing more to keep the job I had. 

I wasn't seeing the signs because I stopped looking.  I knew in my brain what my possibilities were, but it actually became overwhelming, it felt like I didn't need to see the signs, I already knew what they were.  Or I thought I did. 

Then yesterday it all kind of came crashing in.  My cat, who was once upon a time my "saviour" from feeling down, has been acting out, and the stress of this bad behaviour peaked.  My level of tolerance has been breached, and I had to make a decision.  My health and sanity, or him.  Guess which one is going to have to win?  But man, that just sucks.  I still haven't come to grips with it, even though I know I have to make the move.  Still, it's like a weight is being lifted.  Like so many decisions I've made in the past few years have been around this silly cat.  Much as I love him, I need to love myself more.

Cue this morning.  I slept in, hoping the cat would behave for me for a couple of extra hours.  Fortunately he did, otherwise I probably would have lost my mind.  Yesterday, I'd been praying for guidance, asking for help, from whatever greater being (God, universe, karma.....) makes up those reasons for things to happen.  Watching for a sign.  Willing to trust again and believe that something will help guide my thinking to action. Some people find it easy to always know the right thing to do at the right time.  Sometimes, I can do this too.  Other times, it's a struggle, especially when faced with too many choices.  But it was as if when I made one decision, as hard as it was, I was suddenly able to see again.

One step.  I just needed to take one step.  And then another.  This morning, I took the second step, and started working on a project that will hopefully help with providing a small income and maybe even grow to be a bigger one eventually.  In the process of turning idea into action, I opened a bookshelf door, looking for a book that wound up having no meaning and no value, and finding this one instead.

Where on earth did this come from?  I have absolutely no memory of purchasing this, or receiving it as a gift, or even opening it to see what was inside.  Indeed, the spine had not been cracked even a little.  If I had purchased it, was it for someone else?  Who?  Had I intended it to be self-motivating?  If so, I should remember it, and why would it have been tucked away?  No, I'm pretty sure that it was by some magic that it appeared in my bookshelf, and that the reason for it to be there was for me to find it on just this day, and in just this way, and at a time when I needed to see it. 

You see, the inside jacket cover explains the purpose of the book.  It was actually a graduation speech, but it suits perfectly anyone who is at a crossroads in their life, and that certainly describes my life right now.

"For out-starting upstarts of all ages, here is a wonderfully wise and blessedly brief graduation speech from the one and only Dr. Seuss.  In his inimitable, humorous verse and pictures, he addresses the Great Balancing Act (life itself, and the ups and downs it presents) while encouraging us to find the success that lies within us."

Maybe, just maybe, I will find inspiration to take step number 3, and know which direction to take.

Tiny First Steps

Small changes, made consistently.
Small changes made today - a public statement of intention, to live more simply, more joyfully and more spiritually.  Sharing one of my favourite photographs from 2017.

Ever since I took this photograph in France last September, I had been holding onto it.  It had been placed in a "Scavenger Hunt" contest, no prizes, but wasn't allowed to post it publicly until the contest was over.  It's over now, and I wish in some ways that I hadn't hidden it away, that I had used a different image. 

I love the story of this monk.  I want everyone to have their own story about this monk.  Tell me your Monk story.

Finding focus

Originally, this blog was intended to be a travel blog.  Just for me, to remember the places I've been, the things I've seen and done.  I've missed a lot of travel recording here, been to many places that I haven't blogged about, even though I said I would.  Time gets away from me, and I wind up shooting more photographs and relying on that to be my memories of the place and time.  But that's not good enough.

In the past 14 months, I've been to Las Vegas twice, San Francisco (for a day), New Zealand, Chicago, France, Chicago again, and Halifax, NS.  Considering the thousands of photos I've taken, there is hardly any reference to any of these here in the blog.  Whaddup, Su?  Hmm, good question.  No answer.

I'd love to go back and start updating and trying to remember things in order but that's just not possible.  Especially not with the way this brain works.  And especially because of the mind shift I've been going through lately, and the need to stay in the present, allow the past to stay in the past and just use that as a foundation for learning and moving forward.  Not that I'm anxious to have the next day come early, nor am I wishing my life away.  Quite the opposite.  I'm learning instead to make each moment count, and move through life in the tiniest of increments possible.  Maybe I better try to explain that so I know what I meant when I read this again tomorrow.  Or in three weeks, or five years.

Remember the story of the donkey in the well?  I probably don't remember it exactly, except for the lessons learned from it.  (And that's what it's all about, it has absolutely nothing to do with the hokey pokey).  The first lesson I  learned is that if you fall into a well (or someone puts you there), and then starts dumping dirt on you to try and bury you, just keep climbing up on that dirt until you get to the top.  Step on the things that are trying to put you down, and use them to keep going up.  Simple, right?  Uh, no.

But it is growth nonetheless.  Growth in a different way than what we are accustomed to thinking about, perhaps.  We think of growth in terms of physical changes to a person's body.  Spiritual growth is (to me) a change in perspective and learning to nurture (ourselves, others, our souls).  Intellectual growth is learning.  Career growth is "moving up the ladder".  But what of the growth of our lives in general?  Each day, we grow through time.  At least, that's how I've come to think of it.  Staying stuck in the past, thinking about how all that dirt has been piled on us, will just bury us.  We can't go up, if we don't step on that dirt.

So, do I need to go back and try and remember all that stuff?  Nope.  It's still a part of me that will come out in future photos.  In the way that I see, and capture, and share.  And I can pull out those photos (cuz they are NOT dirt) and enjoy them and it will bring back the feeling of wonderment that I sought to retain in my head and knew I couldn't.

Second lesson learned from the donkey in the well.  Seemingly small, incremental changes, repeated consistently over time, will add up to not just a bigger change, but potentially a complete transformation. Examples that are so easy to see:  Learning just about anything, the metamorphosis of a butterfly,  knitting or crocheting an afghan, losing weight or body-building, penny saved is a penny earned.....  It seems that in the past generation or two, western society has become absolutely mad about "instant" change.  Plastic surgery, liposuction, winning the lottery.  No one wants to have the patience for long-term, sustainable change.  And, they want someone else to do the work for them.  Me?  Guilty as charged, at least sometimes.  It's infectious, that desire for instant change. 

The title of this post is "Finding Focus".  I think that's what I'm doing in life as much as I'm doing with photography.  Figuring out what's real, what makes sense, who I am?  Nah.  Just simply figuring out what I see that I want to make the subject in this moment.  Which direction am I taking a step toward right now.  What is capturing my attention and how do I hold that and move from the present to a better future each and every second and how do I let go of the past at the same time.  What is the most important thing, no matter how small, that could lead to that transformation at some point in the future?

So, in 2018....  ok that's just silly.  For today and tomorrow, I will focus on making each action count towards positive change.  That was a period at the end of that.  To start, even if I can do that at least once each day, I will count it as a success.  And if I can capture that in simple terms at the end of each day to remind myself of those little successes, those little actions towards change, then it will remind me of how far I've come at the end of the week, and then the month, and then the year.

Let's go.

Journey is change

France changed me.  Well, not really.  I feel like I'm changing - finally - and one of the factors was my recent trip to France.  Yes, I know I haven't written anything about that here yet, and I had told people that I would blog and share and I didn't and that was largely because the trip was contributing to so much change inside me that I couldn't even digest it all while it was happening, let alone write about it, and least of all share it.  It's starting to really sink in now, not just about the amount of change, but the kind of change. 

Someone at work asked how my vacation went, and when I told him that it was life-changing, he said "Wow.  I'd love to talk with you about that some time, about what that means to you".  And that's when it hit me that I really hadn't been able to absorb the magnitude of it all yet.  Now that I'm starting to figure that out, I want to write it down and hopefully say it so that in a few years, I'll remember it.  And the change (which I believe to be positive and beneficial) becomes more permanent.

So.  Went to France a couple of weeks ago.  It was something that kind of happened out of the blue, and when I first signed up, I didn't think I was ready for it yet.  It wasn't just a vacation, it was a Photography Retreat.  Since getting sort of serious about photography a couple of years ago, and going through various phases of seriousness, interwoven with bouts of pipe dream and laced with moments of you-must-be-crazy-you'll-never-make-this-happen, I realized that the path I was on was fun.  I loved it, and I wanted more.  I was making connections with really cool people, and discovering the creative side of me and realizing that other people kind of liked that side of me.  And that the path was a whole lot longer than I ever dreamed it would be, so I better get my ass in gear and start walking that path.

France.  Photography retreat.  Doesn't sound like it's going to be life-changing.  It wasn't just about the place - although if you ever do go there, and let it soak into your being, you'll discover that it can have that power.  It wasn't just about the photography, although my creative side was a big part of what changed.  Being influenced/guided/coached by the magical Karen Hutton?  In 5 days I learned more from just watching her and listening to her than I could have possibly imagined, and she gave so much more.  It wasn't just about the people that I met, amazing as they are, and as much fun as we had, and the way that we all wound up kind of taking care of each other.  Rowan/Robin, Lieke/Lola, Rozelle/Sophia, Tanya/Taylor, Jim/McGruff, Resi dear Resi, the amazing Karen, Brian (the invisible, the invincible)...all the most incredible souls. 

My life changed?  I changed?  More like, I accepted the invitation to change, to feel the change, to change more quickly, to start the process of change.  What changed?  I think first, my spirit.  I think my spirit finally started to calm down.  Resi, at one point during the week, said that she liked me because I am a "sturdy" person.  I'm pretty sure she meant that as a compliment, and it really kind of surprised me, because I don't think of myself that way at all.  But seeing the whirlwind that was her life made me feel like a rock set in concrete.  Karen gave me this phrase to start believing in:  "I am Unbound Creativity".  Wow.  Me?  I'm just discovering that I have any creativity at all!  And someone already sees that in me? 

I am changing.  I am finding courage in my creativity.  I am seeing myself differently.  I am worrying less about what others may think of me because it's a lot better than what I thought it was, and I am beginning to FEEL (and not just know in my head) that what others think is less important than how I think about myself.  I am more comfortable being the me that I am, and not spending so much time trying to be the me that I want to be for others.  Why did I have to get so old to figure all this out?  And it's still an ongoing process. 

France.  Ah France.  Ooh la la.  It's a part of me, and I need to try and catch the memories and write them down here so that I remember those parts better, while it's still kind of fresh.  Already I have lost so many of the details, and it has only been a couple of weeks.  But for now, I need to take one of the pieces out and care for it.  It's nice outside, a rarity for mid-October, and I want to take the camera for a walk.

Trusting my journey - Day 2, four months later....

OK, dear blog.

When I was a kid, the big thing was for a young lady (now we think of them as "tweens") to have a diary.  I'm reasonably certain this was a carryover from previous generations, when young women were meant to stay at home under the care of their father until a gentleman chose her, and a diary was a way to pour out one's deepest secrets without fear of anyone overhearing and judging.  Now, people pour out their deepest secrets to the whole world via social media, and then get upset because their privacy has been violated.  How times have changed.

So don't expect to read any deep secrets here, but I do enjoy writing to get the weird thoughts out of my head.  I don't really care if anyone else reads what I write, and less if they agree.  Everyone has their own experience, has come to their own conclusions, and I'm more than happy to hear someone else's perspective, with which I may agree, or not.

My grandmother kept a diary.  Or rather several.  When she filled one, she would start another.  She would record the weather, who came to visit, or community events, births and weddings and deaths.  It held virtually no inner thoughts, let alone deep secrets.  The diary I kept when I was a teenager was practically empty.  There was no way I was going to risk writing anything down that I might be held accountable for later, just in case anyone ever found it.

Over the years, diaries turned into journals, and keeping a journal was "discovered" to have great mental health benefits.  Ya.  Then along came the web, and logging your life, web log became blog.  And I finally figured out what a great tool this is to, well, get the weird stuff out of my head.  Which is what young women used to do with their diaries, and psychologists encouraged their patients to do with their journals.  Except that if you look at enough blogs, you'll see that weird is relative - almost nothing is weird because almost everything is, and there really isn't any such thing as normal.  But what do I know?  Just spouting random thoughts, getting them out of my head so I can focus on other things.  The difference between a blog and a diary?  I can type faster than I can write, almost as fast as the thoughts come into my head.  My pen could never keep up.

So, in a couple of days, I can once again get out the Peter Pan Getaway boots.  Road trip!  Chicago this time.  Can't wait, even though it's only for a long weekend.  It's wonderful to have amazing and generous friends who invite me to stay with them, and ride on the tall ship.  Linda (New Zealand Linda) is coming along and we are all singing friends, so what better way to spend a few days than singing, traveling, taking amazing photographs of places I've never been and things I've never seen, sharing time with wonderful and beautiful people, and who knows, maybe the weird stuff will get replaced with cool stuff.

Trusting my journey - Day 1

"Nothing changes if you don't change anything".  Or something like that.  It might be more appropriate to say that, as we get older, if we don't change anything, things will change but not the way we want them too.  This has been my experience in the last few years, as I've hit the dreaded "M" word (that would be menopause, just to be clear), and my body has suddenly started hoarding calories and fat in the form of extra pounds, accumulating exponentially.

It would be really easy to make excuses, like "oh, I never used to have to exercise and so now it's taking a long time to work exercise into my routine", or "now that I've downsized to an apartment I don't have as much housework or outside home maintenance to keep me active".  But the bottom line is that I've gotten lazy, and tired, and the less active I am, the lazier I get.  And I know that if I got off my ass and moved more, I would not feel as tired - opposite to what one would expect.  And beneath that layer, I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and having it be such an effort to appear happy and well-balanced, when I'm not.

OK, so let's be real.  I have been making excuses.  But it's not easy to just stop making excuses.  Essentially, excuses are somewhat invalid reasons for not doing something.  Is there any underlying valid reason?  Semantics?  So, this is the first thing I need to change, in order to change the changes.  Let's face it, I'm not old.  Not even a little bit.  I'm only 55.  That means, according to standard life expectancy, I'm really only 2/3 of the way through life.  Heck, I still have to work and earn a living for a few years before I can afford to retire.  Do I want to still be healthy and active at that point?  Damn straight.  And that means I need to be more healthy and active now, otherwise another 10 years of this bullshit is going to see me not enjoying my retirement doing the things I love, because I won't be able to.

So setting a lot of other goals, like travelling, photography, hiking and adventuring, seeing places others don't get to see, won't be possible if I can't walk/maneuver because of my weight (no I'm not that big yet), or because my knee has gone completely arthritic, or my feet are in pain all the time.

Excuses.  Yes, and I hate when others use them.  So another change will be to lose the hypocrisy.

What are my excuses?  One is the dreaded "change of life".  Although I managed to avoid most of the commonly related symptoms of menopause, the weight gain made up for it.  The onset of this magical time in every woman's life coincided exactly with my move to a condo apartment in a highrise, and although the living space I have now is almost what it was in my last place, I have no outside lawn care or snow removal to keep me active.  And living on the 15th floor makes it less "available" to simply step outside for a bit of a walk.

Enough excuses.  I need to substitute other activity if I'm not getting it by necessity.  And I haven't been.  And there are no excuses for that.  So I joined a Zumba class.  And that's when the plantar fasciitis kicked in yet again.  (another excuse?  Excuse me, but...)

OK, let's start fixing this shit.  If it means I can't do any weight-bearing exercise or activity, then I will work first on healing this damn heel, and eat less to compensate.  Starting today.  That's right, not tomorrow.

This blog will hopefully give me the support that I need to keep motivated, and stay on track.  First the heel, and the diet, then the exercise.  Today went well.  Kept my foot elevated for most of the day, and purchased some gel arch supports designed for this condition.  I can wear them even if I'm not wearing shoes.  Went outside and clambered about through a farmer's field shooting a sunset (with the camera).  Felt great.  Came home, ate a healthy snack, and now on my way to bed for a decent sleep.  Tomorrow, ah, what will you bring me tomorrow?